TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally known for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed in the putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Many of the finest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully from location. Built by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, certain, let us have An additional position where American Guys can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When prior negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: provide Absolutely everyone a suite to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often tender electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It is really that he should end applying it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the venture, replied, "You are aware of, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people today. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping types a giant Trump head noticeable from Area, a feature remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… effectively, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following locating the creating's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not only unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Puzzling Functions


Probably the strangest element in the tower is Trump Tower Damascus its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which friends may ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "the place's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is currently attracting consideration from Global buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll invest in three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount will even include:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to see a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort where my PTSD can have switch-down service."


A different post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews propose:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to construct a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It desired a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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